Lamprey Snowman in Blue Beret

Who is also the sheriff

Christmas Eve Tragedy

Little Sally knelt down for evening prayers on Christmas Eve. "Dear Jesus," she squeaked, in her perfectly innocent little voice, "please bless Mommy and Daddy and Paws and tell Santa that I've been very good and for Christmas this year, I would like . . . "

But she never finished her wish list because her head suddenly popped off.

Paws is unimpressed

The Forgotten Wise Man

Any Christian worth their salt can tell you about the Magi, the Wise Men who came from the East to bring the Baby Jesus the most appropriate presents for infants: gold, frankincense and myrrh. In most Western religions, the three Wise Men are Balthazar from Arabia, Melchior from Persia, and Caspar, the friendly Ethiopian.

What most folks in the West don't realize, however, is that the number of Wise Men are not always three. Depending on who you ask, there may be up to twelve Wise Men. The Book of Matthew is the only gospel to mention the Wise Men and he only says that they stopped by with loot. He doesn't actually say how many of them there were.

As proof of the existence of Wise Men who brought alternate gifts, I present to you Exhibit A:

You may be tempted to tell me that this is actually some kind of ethnic Santa and not a Wise Man at all, but I assure you: the tag said "Wise Man" on it, and the tag never lies.

And he's clearly a Wise Man. He's in a robe, he has a beard, he has Siouxsie Sioux eyeliner on. But what really sets this guy out from the rest is his gift. Frankincense? Pah! Myrrh? Who needs it? No, what the baby Jesus wants - what any kid would want, is a live badger.

Whoah, what, it's December already?

Welcome back and merry December to you all. Mrs. Elfenstein and I have a brand new little Elf, and admit we've been a wee bit too busy with burping, feeding and changing diapers to focus too much on the many wonders Christmas has to offer.

Thankfully, we collected plenty of material in the off-season. So much. So, so much. Like this fella in the back of a truck in July.

Santa? Santa, are you OK?

So without further ado, let's kick off the 2013 Christmas season!

Put Your Butt on Santa's Face

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone!

 

What's Christmas without a party? Family and friends and neighbors and festivities and food and Christmas decorations and twinkling lights and presents and laughter and booze and tension and calls from drunken ex-husbands and overtired children and vomit found Christmas morning in the backyard and the occasional fisticuffs, ah, the memories...

 

The prepared host or hostess must take great care to accommodate every guest's needs, and play the role of addiction enabler at every opportunity. From offering your dieting Auntie another slice of pie to preparing your drunk Uncle another Manhattan, the prepared host or hostess should also make sure that any guests who prefer to char their own lungs with poisonous gases are able to do so with an appropriate amount of cheer.

 

I offer to you the Santa Ash Tray. Fill your holidays with mirth, and Santa's mouth with nicotine residue. Tap your ashes directly into his big blue eyes and rest your Pall Mall on his cute button nose. This thing's made of plastic, so it's sure to melt and leave charred black craters all over old Kris Kringle's face.

  



Merry Christmas, everyone, and to all, a good night.

The Hulk Dares You to Make Fun of His Capris

HULK KNOW IT CHRISTMAS AND HULK HEART OPEN WIDE.
 
HULK GIVE YOU PRESENT. YOU KNOW WHAT ON HULK MIND.

GIFT REAL SPECIAL, TAKE OFF TOP. TAKE LOOK INSIDE.
 
FA LA LA LA ARRGH ARGH ARGH RAAAGH RAAAA

WHY YOU LOOK AT HULK LIKE THAT? HULK SING CAROL FOR YOU.

2012 Christmas? Awesome! Fan Submission Contest!

Mrs. Elfenstein and I thought it would be nice this Christmas to give something back to the community. So we're having a contest!

Head on yonder to your thrift stores, or your craft fairs, or your grandma's house (Joanna G. I am looking at you), cameras in hand, and snap your favorite Awesome ornament. The three most awesome pictures will see their pics posted on the site. The single most awesomest picture, however, will get posted and will win a fabulous prize.

A fabulous prize, you say? What could it be?

Why, it's a genuine Smurf ornament!

 

Featuring Smurfette and a (coal-eyed) snowman on one side, Papa Smurf and a cheery "Happy Holidays" on the other, this future family heirloom is a Smurf-hair more than a decade old, and it shows (note the fraying silk at the bottom).

You didn't think I bought this new, did you? Did we just meet?

The ornament comes in it's original box, so if you're an antique dealer, you can sell it for $25.00!

The rules are simple:

1. You may make your own ornament, as long as it's awesome. No personal stuff, like your name or a picture of your kid or anything, though, please.
2. You may submit as many pictures as you want
3. Your submission must be received by Christmas Eve, Dec 24th, 2012
4. Please do not submit pictures of people's yards, not even your own. Close-ups of a particular yard display may be featured, but please, for your safety, do not trespass on anyone's property.
5. Please do not stand behind the ornament. If your face is in the picture, make sure it can be cropped.

How to enter is also pretty simple:

• Email your picture to christmas.awesome.submissions@gmail.com
• Please include your first name and last initial (or an alias, if you wish) and an email address that I can contact you at should you win.
• The winner will be selected/contacted no later than December 31st, 2012

The legalese is simple, and therefore, probably not even legal:

• I will not sell or otherwise take credit for your picture. If, in some future alternate reality, I happen to make one red cent off of this hobby, I'll either contact you or choose something else. I won't steal your shit.
• I will not collect, sell, or otherwise distribute your email address. I just need it to contact you if you win. I am not a spammer.

Good luck, boys and girls!