Valium Angel

I wanted to buy Valium Angel so bad. So, so bad. She's the best tree topper I've seen so far. She's got puffy, floppy arms! She can't keep her head up! She's so big, you could put her on your head!

And I very likely would have put her on my head, but Mrs. Elfenstein uttered the four most terrifying words anyone can say in a Thrift Store:

it might have bedbugs

sigh. Back on the shelf.

Maybe next time, Valium Angel. At least I have my pictures to remind me of what could have been...

You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Cry

Is your child acting up? Can't get little Johnny to eat his vegetables or little Sally to make her bed? Fortunately, during the holiday season, parents have a secret weapon to elicit better behavior: the spectre of Mad Santa.

If you are naughty, Santa won't come this year.

Santa only brings presents for good boys and girls.

If you keep screaming, I'm going to let Santa know you were bad, and then he'll come down the chimney on Christmas night, stuff you in a sack, and take you away to Spain.

Works wonders.

But what's a parent to do when you can't be there 24-7? After all, you've got a job, possibly the tattered shreds of a social life, presumably a spouse who has . . . needs or something. Someone's got to keep the threat of vague future suffering alive to curb present unwanted behavior.

Enter, Admonitory Santa Wall Plaque:

 

This is a quality piece, cast from the same soft-yet-wholly-unnatural plastic used for kewpie dolls of old. Don't be fooled by the ring on top of his head - this isn't a tiny tree ornament. This sucker is the size of a iPad.

 

Hang this on your children's playroom wall, and never again fear that fights will break out or anything will get broken. Admonitory Santa's watchful, Fremen-blue eyes will make sure your little angel behaves, one (of his six, count 'em, six) fingers poised for the wagging. His red tongue is positioned to raspberry your offspring at the slightest hint of misdeeds. You will be free to slip off and pour yourself a Sanity Vodka in peace.

 

Thank you, Admonitory Santa Wall Plaque!

 

 

Do the Polka!

This ornament was a gift from a friend enabler who truly understands that we have a problem.
This polka-dotted/frosted ball, in the scheme of things, is fairly tame by Elfenstein standards.

. . . Unless you consider scale.

We have to “hang” this behemoth from a low branch because the tree just can’t support its weight (about the same as a small cat). Mostly, we just set it on the floor and thread a branch through the string at the top. Sadly, we cannot swing it to and fro or tie it in a knot, tie it in a bow.

Thanks for the present! Merry Christmas Awesome, Daddy. Love, Sugar.