Blessed Art Thou Among Conch Shells

Oh!  A shell ornament - how sweet. If I put it to my ear, I wonder if I can hear the sea.

I'll just turn it around here and . . . hang about, who's in here? There seems to be a little . . . 

The archangel Gabriel! What are you doing? Get out of there.

leave me alone

Open Your Eyes

Have Yourself a Brownish-Ochre Christmas

Now, this one is a work of art.

This rather oversized styrofoam ball has been lovingly wrapped in roast-turkey-brown tissue paper with grassy-green tissue paper gracing the north and south poles. To round out the design, 3-D papier-mâché pastoral scenes were lovingly crafted, reminiscent of Fromentin or Vernet (I'm pretty sure those white blobs represent sheep).

A snow-dusted barn sits in what is possibly the middle of a lake, while what is either a haystack or a dinner roll sit at the edge of a lazy river, flowing from a wedge of white brie.

This is the kind of ornament that you display proudly in the middle of the tree, at eye-level, where guests can gaze into its depths while sipping their eggnog, the equivalent of a seven-foot elf screaming "HOLIDAYS" right in your face with onion breath.

Lamprey Snowman in Blue Beret

Who is also the sheriff

Christmas Eve Tragedy

Little Sally knelt down for evening prayers on Christmas Eve. "Dear Jesus," she squeaked, in her perfectly innocent little voice, "please bless Mommy and Daddy and Paws and tell Santa that I've been very good and for Christmas this year, I would like . . . "

But she never finished her wish list because her head suddenly popped off.

Paws is unimpressed

The Forgotten Wise Man

Any Christian worth their salt can tell you about the Magi, the Wise Men who came from the East to bring the Baby Jesus the most appropriate presents for infants: gold, frankincense and myrrh. In most Western religions, the three Wise Men are Balthazar from Arabia, Melchior from Persia, and Caspar, the friendly Ethiopian.

What most folks in the West don't realize, however, is that the number of Wise Men are not always three. Depending on who you ask, there may be up to twelve Wise Men. The Book of Matthew is the only gospel to mention the Wise Men and he only says that they stopped by with loot. He doesn't actually say how many of them there were.

As proof of the existence of Wise Men who brought alternate gifts, I present to you Exhibit A:

You may be tempted to tell me that this is actually some kind of ethnic Santa and not a Wise Man at all, but I assure you: the tag said "Wise Man" on it, and the tag never lies.

And he's clearly a Wise Man. He's in a robe, he has a beard, he has Siouxsie Sioux eyeliner on. But what really sets this guy out from the rest is his gift. Frankincense? Pah! Myrrh? Who needs it? No, what the baby Jesus wants - what any kid would want, is a live badger.

The Hulk Dares You to Make Fun of His Capris

HULK KNOW IT CHRISTMAS AND HULK HEART OPEN WIDE.
 
HULK GIVE YOU PRESENT. YOU KNOW WHAT ON HULK MIND.

GIFT REAL SPECIAL, TAKE OFF TOP. TAKE LOOK INSIDE.
 
FA LA LA LA ARRGH ARGH ARGH RAAAGH RAAAA

WHY YOU LOOK AT HULK LIKE THAT? HULK SING CAROL FOR YOU.

Sometimes I am Rigid About Details

Anatomy lesson! The white part of the eye is called the sclera.

It's the fibrous protective layer that keeps all of your eye goo safe and free of dirt and lint and stuff. It's typically white, unless you have jaundice. What it typically isn't, is blue. Now, this is the second character we've seen this year with an azure gaze: Admonitory Santa had Blue Sclera Disease, too.
By the way, it's called Osteogenesis imperfecta, it's a horrible disease and I'm not making fun of people who have it. 

Sure, ok, these things are mass-produced, generally in factories in countries where Christmas isn't even celebrated. I get that. But I've also got to imagine that regardless of whether you know who Frosty is or not, you've seen human eyes before.

And yes, Frosty isn't a human being, granted, but he isn't from Arrakis, either. He's meant to be human-like. Human-ish. Human-esque.

He is also supposed to have two eyes made of coal, and any other interpretation is clearly diverging from the originating song. I blame the 1969 animated version for this blatant use of artistic license.  Frosty originally had two coal eyes, but when he came to life, they got all googly. More expressive! the animators cried. Heresy, says I. Two eyes made of coal.

Is that a mandolin he's holding? What is that?

+1 for the ceramic Joseph photobomb, too.

Valium Angel

I wanted to buy Valium Angel so bad. So, so bad. She's the best tree topper I've seen so far. She's got puffy, floppy arms! She can't keep her head up! She's so big, you could put her on your head!

And I very likely would have put her on my head, but Mrs. Elfenstein uttered the four most terrifying words anyone can say in a Thrift Store:

it might have bedbugs

sigh. Back on the shelf.

Maybe next time, Valium Angel. At least I have my pictures to remind me of what could have been...

Something's Not Quite Right . . .

. . . but I just can't put my finger on it.

Snowmoebas!

Are they carrot-nosed bacteria?

Do single-celled organisms have (five) eyes made out of coal?

Even Escherichia coli love Christmas!

Hobbyzebracorn!

What's yellow & white, has green stripes, and a yarny tail that sweeps magnificently foward over its shoulder?

 

 

Hobbyzebracorn!

 

Allright, allright, I know that's not actually a hobby horse. I don't care. His name is Hobbyzebracorn, and that's final.

 

 

Cape Coo

This is one of Mrs. Elfenstein's favorite acquisitions of the off-season.

 

 

Maybe it's the stern-looking cat.

 

Maybe it's the fact that it's a broken sand dollar.

 

Maybe it's the fact that a stern-looking cat was poorly-decoupaged onto a sand dollar.

 

Hard to say.

 

I just know it makes her giggle.

Fiddlin’ Angel

This is Mrs. Elfenstein’s favorite ornament, hands down. Every time we put it on the tree, she sings “fiddlin’ angel!” with pure joy.

Angels fiddle. It’s a well-known fact. And this special little lady is fiddlin’ from inside a spectacular, gold, glitter-encrusted cutaway ball. Just as it is in Heaven.

We’re not sure what specifically is on the playlist, but I like to think it’s mostly just variations of Cotton Eyed Joe.

Fraggle Ball!

It’s a ball with Fraggle hair. What else to say?

Guns Don’t Kill People, Santa Kills People

My first impression of this ornament was that Santa had some binoculars. Oh, ok, so he’s a bird watcher.

Then I noticed the Brawny man shirt and the gold lamé, leopard print vest. Okaaay. And solid gold tie. Weird.

And then I noticed the sawed-off shotgun.

I get it. He’s Big Game Hunter Santa. And I see now that his vest is just poorly-rendered camouflage, but that doesn’t explain the gold lamé unless there are a lot of elk in P-Town nowadays. And how do the reindeer feel about Santa’s little hobby?

And since when does Santa carry a gun?

Um, since for a while now, apparently.

Thanks be to Mrs. Elfenstein for hot-gluing Santa’s trigger arm back on (life in the ornament bin is fraught with danger)!

This May be What Happened to Baby Jane

When we moved from the Farm to our new home, we seem to have misplaced a stash of ornaments. Old Troll is missing, along with the Styrofoam Snowman Family, which is really sad because Wall-Eyed Styrofoam Snowman has served as our tree topper the past three Christmases.  This is our first Christmas in our first new house, and we had to have an Awesome topper for the charmingly wonky tree we bought.
What on earth would Mrs. Elfenstein and I do without Goodwill?

Wall-Eyed Styrofoam Snowman may be lost, but Unamused Angel now stands tall and proud and, apparently, unimpressed, atop our tree.

We aren’t super sure what it is that’s making her so uptight. Maybe it’s her Mrs. Havisham-style gown, or her receding hairline (and at such a young age!). Perhaps the fact that her arms do not bend but only move up and down as a unit. Maybe it’s the constant discomfort of a spiny tree trunk in the, er, Eisenhower Tunnel. . . (cough, cough).

Regardless of her actual botheration, this little lady’s fists are clenched so tight she could make diamonds if we gave her coal. Also assuming we can pry her fingers open. Which we can’t. Because they’re fused to her palms.

 Christmas'll make you want to shoot someone in the face.

A Face Only Mrs. Claus Could Love

Just look at those blue eyes. Santa must have been a lady killer in his youth. And judging by that nose, a hockey player or a boxer.

Every year we put this up, I like to think that someone crafted an entire tube of Santa face out of clay, and this is just one slice of many. Kind of like Meat Face, but with Santa. And it’s not made of meat. This is a good thing.

From Israel With Love

Sure, this site is all about Christmas, but where would Christmas be without our Jewish friends? It would be without the Baby Jesus, that’s what. Today being the first day of Hanukkah, I thought I would share easily one of Mrs. Elfenstein and my favorites.

It’s a traditional Christmas egg with a Star of David and a very kind message and . . .

- – - and a cactus . . . for some reason.

Thanks, Israel. And Happy Hanukkah Awesome to you!

How Michael Bolton Started My Obsession

I have been asked how I got started collecting odd ornaments. To be fair, I’ve always been prone to collecting odd things, mostly books, but the ornament thing began in 2006. Mrs. Elfenstein and I weren’t yet married, and it was our first Christmas together.

At the time, I was not a big fan of celebrating holidays in general, and was very resistant to getting a tree and decking out the apartment with Christmas bling. The future Mrs. Elfenstein would have none of that, however, and so we got a tree and combed a few thrift stores to find ornaments.

And that was when we found this:

The skies opened, the angels sang, and the Christmas spirit flew up my tuckus like a thunderbolt. I realized that I lived in a world where shiny plastic Christmas ornaments can depict smooth Jewish crooners with curly white afros. I realized that there was a good chance that there is a Styx-themed ornament out there somewhere. All of those $1.00 grab bags in thrift stores and antique shops all have the potential to contain a holiday gem.

And so I say thank you, Michael Bolton, for releasing the 1996 Limited Edition ornament. Those of us who own them feel a special sense of ownership and pride.  And Happy Hanukkah, my friend.