December 22, 2013

Blessed Art Thou Among Conch Shells


Oh!  A shell ornament - how sweet. If I put it to my ear, I wonder if I can hear the sea.


I'll just turn it around here and . . . hang about, who's in here? There seems to be a little . . . 


The archangel Gabriel! What are you doing? Get out of there.

leave me alone

Jolly Old Saint Badonkadonk

So . . . is Santa's butt a thing? Seems like everywhere I turn lately, I'm finding Santa wagging his big old booty at me.

Sometimes, he plays it off all innocent:

 no, no, I was just working out with my Jane Fonda aerobics video.


Other times he's coy:
 I'm just ringing my bell and rummaging my toy sack… but if you think I need a spanking…


But it's when he's just flagrantly flaunting that I find upsetting.

 Oh my! The dog's gone and nipped my trousers! Looks like they'll have to come off…

Actually, on second thought, in my travels, I have noticed a definite link between Christmas and exposing your bum. 



I guess old Santa just got tired of all the other Christmas ornaments having all of the fun and wanted to play along. 

Go home, Christmas Bear, you're drunk.



Open Your Eyes


So Hurry Down the Chimney Tonight

At first glance, this Stay-Puft cabin wasn't all that remarkable. Sure, there are the inexplicable Christmas lights in the shrubbery and the molecular homogeny of building materials, snow and plant life, but nothing particularly Christmas Awesome-worthy.  


In fact, I passed by it a few times before I took a real good look at that jolly little fella popping down the chimney…and realized it wasn't Santa at all, but just one of the demons from Jacob's Ladder dressed up to look like Santa.

shudders upon shudders


December 18, 2013

Have Yourself a Brownish-Ochre Christmas



Now, this one is a work of art.

This rather oversized styrofoam ball has been lovingly wrapped in roast-turkey-brown tissue paper with grassy-green tissue paper gracing the north and south poles. To round out the design, 3-D papier-mâché pastoral scenes were lovingly crafted, reminiscent of Fromentin or Vernet (I'm pretty sure those white blobs represent sheep).

A snow-dusted barn sits in what is possibly the middle of a lake, while what is either a haystack or a dinner roll sit at the edge of a lazy river, flowing from a wedge of white brie.

This is the kind of ornament that you display proudly in the middle of the tree, at eye-level, where guests can gaze into its depths while sipping their eggnog, the equivalent of a seven-foot elf screaming "HOLIDAYS" right in your face with onion breath.


December 11, 2013

Christmas Eve Tragedy

Little Sally knelt down for evening prayers on Christmas Eve. "Dear Jesus," she squeaked, in her perfectly innocent little voice, "please bless Mommy and Daddy and Paws and tell Santa that I've been very good and for Christmas this year, I would like . . . "

But she never finished her wish list because her head suddenly popped off.

Paws is unimpressed

December 08, 2013

The Forgotten Wise Man

Any Christian worth their salt can tell you about the Magi, the Wise Men who came from the East to bring the Baby Jesus the most appropriate presents for infants: gold, frankincense and myrrh. In most Western religions, the three Wise Men are Balthazar from Arabia, Melchior from Persia, and Caspar, the friendly Ethiopian.

What most folks in the West don't realize, however, is that the number of Wise Men are not always three. Depending on who you ask, there may be up to twelve Wise Men. The Book of Matthew is the only gospel to mention the Wise Men and he only says that they stopped by with loot. He doesn't actually say how many of them there were.

As proof of the existence of Wise Men who brought alternate gifts, I present to you Exhibit A:



You may be tempted to tell me that this is actually some kind of ethnic Santa and not a Wise Man at all, but I assure you: the tag said "Wise Man" on it, and the tag never lies.

And he's clearly a Wise Man. He's in a robe, he has a beard, he has Siouxsie Sioux eyeliner on. But what really sets this guy out from the rest is his gift. Frankincense? Pah! Myrrh? Who needs it? No, what the baby Jesus wants - what any kid would want, is a live badger.

Whoah, what, it's December already?

Welcome back and merry December to you all. Mrs. Elfenstein and I have a brand new little Elf, and admit we've been a wee bit too busy with burping, feeding and changing diapers to focus too much on the many wonders Christmas has to offer.

Thankfully, we collected plenty of material in the off-season. So much. So, so much. Like this fella in the back of a truck in July.

Santa? Santa, are you OK?

So without further ado, let's kick off the 2013 Christmas season!