Blessed Art Thou Among Conch Shells

Oh!  A shell ornament - how sweet. If I put it to my ear, I wonder if I can hear the sea.

I'll just turn it around here and . . . hang about, who's in here? There seems to be a little . . . 

The archangel Gabriel! What are you doing? Get out of there.

leave me alone

Jolly Old Saint Badonkadonk

So . . . is Santa's butt a thing? Seems like everywhere I turn lately, I'm finding Santa wagging his big old booty at me.

Sometimes, he plays it off all innocent:

 no, no, I was just working out with my Jane Fonda aerobics video.

Other times he's coy:

 I'm just ringing my bell and rummaging my toy sack… but if you think I need a spanking…

But it's when he's just flagrantly flaunting that I find upsetting.

 Oh my! The dog's gone and nipped my trousers! Looks like they'll have to come off…

Actually, on second thought, in my travels, I have noticed a definite link between Christmas and exposing your bum. 

I guess old Santa just got tired of all the other Christmas ornaments having all of the fun and wanted to play along. 

Go home, Christmas Bear, you're drunk.

Open Your Eyes

So Hurry Down the Chimney Tonight

At first glance, this Stay-Puft cabin wasn't all that remarkable. Sure, there are the inexplicable Christmas lights in the shrubbery and the molecular homogeny of building materials, snow and plant life, but nothing particularly Christmas Awesome-worthy.  

In fact, I passed by it a few times before I took a real good look at that jolly little fella popping down the chimney…and realized it wasn't Santa at all, but just one of the demons from Jacob's Ladder dressed up to look like Santa.

shudders upon shudders

Have Yourself a Brownish-Ochre Christmas

Now, this one is a work of art.

This rather oversized styrofoam ball has been lovingly wrapped in roast-turkey-brown tissue paper with grassy-green tissue paper gracing the north and south poles. To round out the design, 3-D papier-mâché pastoral scenes were lovingly crafted, reminiscent of Fromentin or Vernet (I'm pretty sure those white blobs represent sheep).

A snow-dusted barn sits in what is possibly the middle of a lake, while what is either a haystack or a dinner roll sit at the edge of a lazy river, flowing from a wedge of white brie.

This is the kind of ornament that you display proudly in the middle of the tree, at eye-level, where guests can gaze into its depths while sipping their eggnog, the equivalent of a seven-foot elf screaming "HOLIDAYS" right in your face with onion breath.

Well, Hello Right Back Atcha

The Only Reason I Didn't Buy This Monstrosity...

...is because I couldn't figure out a way to permanently affix it to my head.